is what my fiance said to me. "What do you do for fun? What relaxes you? What do you look forward to? What are you passionate about?"
Sadly, I had to think for a while. I responded, "well.....I like to bake, cook, watch movies.." Are they hobbies? Sure, but, am I passionate about any of them? I can honestly say no, I am not truly passionate about anything that I do.
How is that possible? He, on the other hand, can name 3, 4, hell even 5 things that he absolutely adores doing. He gleams, radiates with excitement while fully immersed into one of his fantasy books, while he is balls deep into a video game, if the Mets are winning, and especially after he has won a softball game.
Over the past few years, I have discovered so much about myself. I have undergone a complete metamorphosis; not only physically, but also mentally. A few years ago, I didn't have goals, real responsibilities, motivation, in fact, I didn't take anything seriously. I spent money as I earned it. Never thought an ounce about saving it because I might need it someday for buying something that is actually important, i.e.; a house. I didn't think about college or having a career, plainly put, I lived for the now. At that point in time, I was incredibly unhappy, in fact, I despised myself, I drowned myself in alcohol and engaged in other delinquent behaviors.
Fast forward five years, and here I am. A little older, leaner, wiser, much more responsible, patient, with a loving fiance, a wonderful nanny job and 50 + credits under my belt. I am so proud of where I am right now, but, still something feels missing from my life. While I have gained so much along this journey of growing up, I somehow lost an integral part of myself. I lost passion; passion for fun, games, leisure, and even some of my sense of humor.
I find myself being so wrapped up in logic and rationality, and just trying to make sense of the world that I forget that there doesn't always have to be a clear cut answer for everything. I actually forget to laugh, kick back and relax, and enjoy life for what it is. My thoughts are so linear now, and the worst of it all, I can't even remember the last time that I used my imagination. If my old self met my grown up self now, she would have laughed at me, and found me extraordinarily boring.
I guess this is why I created this blog. To help me reconnect with fundamental parts of my old self, while discovering new ones, and to ultimately find the balance in my life that I desperately seek.
